Family — Blog — Whitney Keilman Photography

Allow me to introduce you to my friend, Natalie. We met on the beach, and moments into meeting her I knew I wanted to get to know her better. We haven’t known each other for very long, but every time I’m around her I’m inspired by her sweet spirit and rock-solid faith in the Lord. She places her hope in Jesus and it’s evident in the way she lives her life. I’ve asked her to share a small piece of God’s incredible provision for her family -specifically in regards to her daughter. This is Natalie’s story:

The first time I held my daughter was much like the first time anyone holds their child. She cried, I wept tears of joy and love and wonder, someone handed me a bottle, and she fell asleep in my arms. My heart expanded with love; my husband and I could hardly believe how precious this little life in our hands could be. How had we ever lived without her before? It was love at first sight.
The first time I held my daughter she was 14 months old.

My husband and I had woken up at three o’clock that morning to drive from Orlando to Miami. Then we flew to Haiti where we drove up mountain beyond mountain to the orphanage where she lived. We would be there for 15 days to bond with our daughter, see the beauty of her birth country, and attend interviews and appointments required for our adoption process. As each day passed, we fell more in love. Even at such a young age, she had this amazing sense of humor, a twinkle in her eye, and a personality to match. We cheered her accomplishments, worried over her health, held her tight, sang songs over her as she fell asleep, and prayed desperately.

At the end of those 15 days, we had to go home, and we couldn’t bring her with us until the adoption was finalized. We were told this would take at least a year. The only thing that got me on the airplane was knowing I was required to have my visa stamped so I could show proof to the adoption courts that I was in Haiti for the required time. I had to leave my daughter so that I could someday bring her home.

*‘I had to leave my daughter*

*so that I could someday bring her home.’*

I don’t know that there are adequate words to describe the grief of leaving your child. In the weeks after we came home, I felt an almost irrepressible urge to run out into the street and bang on every door, begging, “Have you seen my child? She isn’t home! I need to find my daughter!” But I knew right where she was. The year that passed as we waited for the legal process to be finalized was the hardest year of my life. And it was nearly impossible to explain such grief to others.

But it was worth it. She is worth it. Wonder of wonders, our daughter is home, and our family is infinitely better because she is in it. There is more laughter and dancing and snuggling. More swimming and pretending, more puzzles and books. There is more cherishing. More treasuring. More love. With every day that passes, the adoption process becomes dimmer in the rearview mirror, and we bask in the warmth of the gift that is more precious than we could have dreamed: our family.

Whenever I share about our adoption, I feel a little hesitant. First because our daughter’s story is her story; I can only tell mine. Second, every child, adoption, and family have unique experiences. I have a wonderful friend who has really struggled to bond with her child, and another friend whose child has really struggled to bond with his adoptive family. I don’t want to ever give the impression that adoption is easy, that it will always feel good, that it will work out how you planned.

But as my husband gently reminds me, I shouldn’t hold back from sharing the joy of our story either. In allowing us to be our daughter’s family, God has truly done more than we could ask or imagine; to him be the glory!

So, what would I tell a family considering adoption?

Make a Lifelong Commitment to Family Preservation

In an ideal world, adoption would never be necessary. Tragically, that isn’t our current reality, but even so, adoption should be the last resort for a child. You can support a trusted organization (with your volunteer time, financial support, etc.) by coming alongside loving families who are struggling to stay together. Seek out local organizations such as Family Promise (http://familypromiseorlando.org/) or international organizations such Compassion International, which is doing amazing things through its Child Survival program (https://www.compassion.com/help-babies-mothers-in-poverty.htm). Not only will you be a blessing to families in need, sharing in the joy of the victories of families you are serving - but you will also gain a necessary, deeper understanding and compassion for at-risk families.

Consider Your Motivation

Adoption is absolutely life-changing, especially for the child. So, take the time to thoughtfully consider your motivation. Many people resonate with the call to care for children in need, but don’t feel ready to adopt. That’s okay! There are endless ways to participate in orphan-care: You can support foster families in your area with meals, diapers, or babysitting. Sponsor a child internationally. Volunteer with a local organization such as Orlando Children’s Church or Ronald McDonald House. If you feel a deep desire to care for children by bringing them into your family, prayer and fasting are wonderful ways to submit your decisions before the Lord before taking action.

Do Your Research

If you have made the decision to adopt, congratulations!!! As our dear friends once told us, the hard part is over, the rest is just details. But those details are kind of important, so make sure you are paying careful attention. :) I cannot overstate the importance of doing everything you can to make sure that your adoption is ethical. The best way to do that is to do your research. Work only with accredited organizations that have a proven history of ethical practices, putting children and families first. Interview adoption agencies/attorneys. If at any point you feel pressured, or hear the words “fast” or “easy,” that conversation is over; red flags have been raised. If you are adopting internationally, research the systems and organizations involved on the other country’s side. Get connected with friends of friends and ask them about their experiences. Pray for peace and wisdom.

Celebrate and Self-Care
As you journey through the process, the paperwork, home visits, and most agonizing of all- the wait- can drive any mama-to-be crazy. Find ways to celebrate milestones. The night of our first home study visit, we went out to dinner. The day we mailed our dossier to Haiti, we celebrated with cake. When we were finally matched with our daughter, I went to Target and did not hold back! In between those mountain tops can be lonely valleys. So don’t forget to take care of yourself in the meanwhile. Some people find they regret telling the whole world about their plans to adopt early on in the process because it adds salt to the wound when someone asks, “Any news?” and (for what feels like the thousandth time) you have to reply “No news.” On the other hand, I felt encouraged when my friends checked in. I even started a private group on social media to share updates and prayer requests with close friends. Whenever my friends and family checked in I knew they were thinking of us and praying for us; we weren’t alone. Other ideas during the wait: bond with other “waiting families” (I made lifelong friends through adoption groups; it is so encouraging to have friends who share the same experiences), go on a baby-moon, try a new hobby (I’m a big fan of painting), and…

Prepare Your Heart

Attachment/Bonding is a unique process for every family. As with any relationship, a strong reciprocal bond with your child is built over time, as trust grows and each family member learns how to love one another well. There are many resources and tools available to support adoptive families with attachment and bonding; find one that is right for you.
Every child who joins a family through adoption has experienced trauma and loss, so it’s imperative to become a trauma-informed parent. Empowered to Connect is the absolute best training resource as you prepare to welcome a child to your family through adoption: http://empoweredtoconnect.org/
If you are planning or open to adopting a child of another race or ethnicity, I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to learn about culture and racism:
- Whether you are just beginning to explore this topic, or looking to dive deeper, “Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria?” is a highly recommended read.
- Consider: Will your child be the only person of their ethnicity in your family’s world (among friends, in your neighborhood, at church, among students at school, restaurants you visit, playgrounds you frequent, etc.)? If you find that your family’s world does not reflect your child, lay down life as you know it and expand your world – even if it means moving to a new neighborhood! Listen, listen, listen to your friends of color. Honor their experiences, seek their advice, practice standing with them in times of adversity.
- Challenge yourself: If you are part of a majority culture (i.e. white in the US), find places where you are the minority. Visit restaurants or salons where you will be the only white person, and take in the experience.
- Learning can be really fun, too! I probably watched 100 hours of haircare videos in the final months leading to our daughter’s homecoming. Hair time is so special!
- If you choose the path of international adoption, your child’s birth country will always be an important part of his/her identity. Find out more about your child’s birth country, look for traditions to celebrate, recipes to try, music and art to bring into your home.

You don’t have to be perfect to become an adoptive parent. You just have to be ready to acknowledge that your child’s story began before she entered yours. Taking on a posture of learning and listening will go a long way in preparing your heart to love your child well.

Remember - The Process is Hard, But it’s Wonderful Too

As with parenting in general, the adoption process will take you through unexpected challenges, test your patience, and surprise you with beauty. When you face moments of fear and doubt, go back to the last time you heard God’s voice and felt His peace. That is the best advice we received in the course of our 4 year adoption process, given like a gift in our moment of absolute crisis by an adoptive mama who had “been there” and was willing to share her own story. We clung to her words the rest of the way. Practice prayer and fasting. From the very beginning. Wait for His voice and His peace. And then even when there is fear in the dark, you can hold fast in confidence because you know you are following His lead. And then one day, the sun will come up, brighter than it ever has before. The process is hard, but it is wonderful too.

This summer, I snuggled my baby girl (who isn’t such a baby anymore), and a thought shook me to my core: I could have missed this. It would have been easy to go on with life as I knew it. The adoption process can be expensive (when we started we had no idea how we would be able to afford it – you probably won’t be surprised to hear me say that God provided every single step of the way). The process seems complicated, and there are just so many unknowns. I could have missed this. So, even though sometimes I hesitate, I have to share my story. Because I can’t let you miss yours.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! – Ephesians 3:20-21

Natalie is a wife, mother of three, and a dog-mom to Ember. She’s involved in her local church and has a heart for women’s ministry, painting, and the beach. Natalie is an incredible artist and you can follow her on instagram @nataliebrooksstudio. Also, between you and me, she makes a pretty epic gluten-free banana bread.